Sex-o-phobic America

It’s as if we’ve forgotten where babies come from.

One of the things that continually astounds me is how, even after a decade into the twenty first century, we Americans still get so easily freaked out by sex. This past week, yet another “scandalous” story broke when a teacher –at a school for adults– was outed for her nighttime activities as a dominatrix. Obviously, in some people’s minds, teaching and an active sex life are mutually exclusive concepts.

The fundamental lie we tell ourselves as a society is that all of these secular and variant sexual lifestyles fall out of the norm, and that they are somehow deviant, and harmful. The truth is, that most people, even if they have been relegated to a life of Dr. Phil inspired vanilla monogamy and only engage in intercourse seasonally with the lights out in the missionary position, have desires and inclinations beyond that. Everyone –O.K. , almost everyone– has a “freaky” side to them, yet we pretend we don’t because everyone else is pretending the same thing.

We see these stories all the time, where a person gets fired, or publically humiliated because of the nature, manner of frequency in which they engage in libidinous interactions with other consenting adults.  The lame excuse for embarrassing people publically by exposing their sexual proclivities is that somehow what educators do at night will have a negative impact on our adorable little cherubs in school during the day.

The thing is, our precious little dumplings will only discover what their teachers do in the privacy of their bedrooms if their climax deficient caregivers blather about it in the first place. “Abner, look what’s going on over at the Steven’s house!” In the petty gossiping world of sexual repression, if anyone differs from the Ward and June Cleaver relationship model, or dare they procreate frequently… or even worse, have the unmitigated gall to achieve orgasms on a regular basis, then they couldn’t possible teach our runny nosed tax deductions how to do long division, or how to form a lucid sentence.


In the minds of the sex police, it would be much better if our children were taught by some Wal-Mart shopping, stretch pants wearing, orgasm deprived, quadruple chinned, sexually repressed,  gargantuan church goers, who –studies show– would actually be more likely to project his/her anxiety on our impressionable sponges. …. In typical American puritanical fashion, we do the exact opposite of what the fact bear out as being beneficial to our children, and we do this, under the guise of protecting them. We leave them in the hands of emotional regressives, rather than venture out of our comfort zone and admit that our own sex lives might suck.

That just might be what causes the lack of classroom comprehension of this youthful generation of hyper active autistics and barely literate incompetents. They are trying to communicate with teachers who can’t communicate their own feelings at home. Our spawn are in dire need of stability, so we put them in the hands of the unstable. But who better to teach our chubby little cherubs than a uninspired, passionless, defeated, sexual invertebrate whose angst addled psychosis can inspire legions of grade schoolers to aspire to mediocrity?

But whether we want to admit it or not, we all have sex. Where do we think those kids came from, the stork? Somewhere along the line, in the throes of undulating, middle American passion, every child was the result of someone’s erection and someone’s vagina doing the mambo. If that makes you uncomfortable, then the problem is you, not your neighbor who likes to get their heinie paddled.

In fact every teacher, in every grammar school across our great nation also masturbates, just like you do. When they do, they are usually thinking of something that they’d never admit in public, just like you. In fact, every person you see dragging their litter of germ ridden burdens through the mall, every cop, and every clergyman cranks one out occasionally and envisions something that never makes it into a made for TV movie. And we all keep this in, buried deep down, because we pathetically like to see others fall for what we are most probably guilty of ourselves.

The point is, that consenting adults having sex in whatever manner they desire does not make one aberrant, or even abnormal. It certainly does not make one immoral, or ill equipped to do their job. However condemning others for their libido is at best hypocritical, and it helps perpetuate the cycle of sexually repressive dysfunction that causes so many to misplace their frustration in the first place.

… and that’s a lousy lesson to teach out kids.



About Rich Woods

Rich Woods is the author of the critically acclaimed books, UnLearn Vanilla Marriage, and Yahweh to Hell. He is also a columnist, sociologist, and satirist who has performed seminars around the country. He's also made several TV and radio appearances. Transitioning from a blue-collar background has given Mr. Woods a unique perspective --and an even more unique elocution--among his peers. Raised Catholic, Mr. Woods is now a very public atheist who champions the separation of church and state. He's an advocate for non-traditional relationships, including --but not limited to-- negotiating non-monogamy, as well as being a vocal opponent of political correctness. Throughout his career, Woods has had colorful metaphors hurled in his direction from both liberals, and conservatives. To be honest, most of the vitriol comes from the Tea Party. However, he considers one of his greatest accomplishments having been called "Harry Reid's Lapdog" , and referred to as being "just like Rush Limbaugh" from two different sources within minutes of one another. Originally from Queens, New York, and presently residing in central New Jersey, Rich Woods is madly, and hopelessly in love with his wife Jane since before they were wed in 2002, and is the proud father of two successful, brilliantly creative, young adult children. Try as he might, he can't juggle.

Posted on December 31, 2012, in Recent Posts. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I’m honored to be the first to comment on your articles. I’m in your corner on this subject, as a child I grew up in a sexually repressed enviornment. Upon “coming of age” I often wondered what all the fuss was about. Here is it nearly 3 decades later and not a whole lot has changed. I’m still taken back that sexuality in America is still in the dark ages when compared to so many other places across the world. Either way…well done friend.

    Happy New Year to you!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: