Fox Hole Christians

From the time we were children and old enough to comprehend, most of us have been taught to believe in an afterlife. We’ve been conditioned to believe that if we adhere to specific behavioral paradigms and sacrifice critical thought in this lifetime that we’ll be rewarded in the next one. We were told of an eternal paradise that could only be had via whatever religion we were geographically fortunate enough to be born into. As such, many have invested in a guilt driven, earthbound proprietal savings account that they hope will bear interest after they die. In doing so, many pass on life’s opportunities. And many resent those who aren’t afflicted with the fear of a post life consequence.

It is with this in mind that a recent interaction with a delightful, albeit imaginatively banal Christian fella whose “if I can’t have fun than neither should you” resentment towards anything libertine was so blatantly transparent that it would not take much of a suspension of disbelief to surmise that his secret porn stash probably contained some pretty freaky stuff, allowed for several vapid, nonsensical Christian platitudes to be blathered in my direction. Among them was that “There are no Atheists in fox holes”. This meant to infer that my disbelief in a deity would fade in the face of desperation.


But what that anemic logic fails to acknowledge is that the same can be said of one who claims to believe that their faith will grant them entrance to an ethereal utopia. Sure, there are non-believers who –when faced with the proposition of their life ending– grasp at cognitive straws. Even atheists yell “Oh God” when they’re having sex. But what makes a Christian cowering in fear in the very same fox hole, and who believes they are bound for heaven, so afraid?

For if the faith is pure and the war just, and if God is truly on your side, then why not perform daring acts of heroism in his name? Why not jump from the fox hole where the Atheist is mentally juxtaposing mortality and oblivion and show your devotion to God? Your Christian options are either doing Yahweh’s earthly bidding, or being called home to paradise. Sounds like a win-win to me. So what the hell are Christians doing crapping themselves in the same fox holes as Atheists? For that matter, why dig the fox hole in the first place?

I will maintain that deep down, sane people understand how silly the entire notion is. Christians don’t want to die any more than Atheists do because on some intellectual level, we all understand that death is the end. Moreover, the “heaven” Christians describe –to quote Christopher Hitchens– is more like a “Celestial North Korea” where the inhabitants must pay constant homage to their ethereal dictator, lest they be tortured for eternity in a fiery pit of hell. The things most of us enjoy are not permitted in heaven. Unless your idea of fun is sitting in detention with your hands folded, then the Christian heaven sucks. Actually, by comparison, North Korea sounds like an improvement.

The thing is, a lot of people say they believe in “God”, but what they actually believe in is a version of a supreme being who’s interests and bigotry are eerily similar to their own, and which allows them to tap into the darker parts of their nature when they have the desire to impose their will on others. If Christians truly believed in God the way the claim to, then he will either protect you if it is not your time to die, or he will take you if it is. At least the Islamic suicide bomber puts his faith where his mouth is. So regarding atheists and foxholes, I will maintain that there are actually no Christians in foxholes, either. There are just a bunch of scared men and women fearing the end of their existence.


About Rich Woods

Rich Woods is the author of the critically acclaimed books, UnLearn Vanilla Marriage, and Yahweh to Hell. He is also a columnist, sociologist, and satirist who has performed seminars around the country. He's also made several TV and radio appearances. Transitioning from a blue-collar background has given Mr. Woods a unique perspective --and an even more unique elocution--among his peers. Raised Catholic, Mr. Woods is now a very public atheist who champions the separation of church and state. He's an advocate for non-traditional relationships, including --but not limited to-- negotiating non-monogamy, as well as being a vocal opponent of political correctness. Throughout his career, Woods has had colorful metaphors hurled in his direction from both liberals, and conservatives. To be honest, most of the vitriol comes from the Tea Party. However, he considers one of his greatest accomplishments having been called "Harry Reid's Lapdog" , and referred to as being "just like Rush Limbaugh" from two different sources within minutes of one another. Originally from Queens, New York, and presently residing in central New Jersey, Rich Woods is madly, and hopelessly in love with his wife Jane since before they were wed in 2002, and is the proud father of two successful, brilliantly creative, young adult children. Try as he might, he can't juggle.

Posted on September 10, 2013, in Religion, Socio/Political and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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